Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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