I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
