whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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