I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
