she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
