im drinking this country out of the recession.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize