OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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