i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
