Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
