i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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