There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
