Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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