I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
