Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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