I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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