I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
