I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
