so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
my poor anus
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
