how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
