I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
