dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize