god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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