everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Still dying that you shit outside
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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