wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i now understand why vodka
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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