I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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