he thought i was a dude.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Floor bacon is actually really good
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
