for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
