I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
