No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
