I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
