Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
