Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
