I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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