I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
