wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My feet surprised me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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