Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
