I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's rum buckets o'clock
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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