I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
