I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
