I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
