based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
