remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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