That's when you crack a 10am beer
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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