Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
