Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
worst night to have a conscience
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize