It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
