the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
