I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he puts the penis in happiness.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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