A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize