I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So drunk its hurt
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
