I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
