did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
