There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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