I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
