I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
