Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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