saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
