You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
