Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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