you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize