There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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