I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
