About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
